I struggle to define my blog at the best of times. Does my content lean more towards 'lifestyle' or 'culture'? Is it a travel blog? What is the Accidental Londoner actually about? Who is it written for? What can people learn from it? From time to time I check my site analytics, and discover just what search terms people were using when they stumbled upon the Accidental Londoner. And then I feel even more confused about which particular corner of the internet my blog occupies...
To the person who Googled "can a gecko survive living in sink drain?", I'm damned if I know. And I don't imagine that this post which you landed on was much help. Sorry about that. I'm pretty sure the Accidental Londoner wasn't exactly forthcoming on "how to make a light up duvet" either. But if anyone finds out, please do let me know.
I sometimes worry my blog may be being used to facilitate burglary, given that someone landed here after using the search term: "is camden lock secured at night". So in answer to your search, dear potential felon, yes, yes it is. And it's guarded by massive, scary dogs. And acres of electricuted fences. And a dragon. Oh, and apparently the Accidental Londoner is a key resource for those looking for dens of vice too, according to the person looking for this: "piccadilly illegal gambling club". Super.
Some of the confessional searches can be complimentary, some are a little brag-y and others are just downright alarming:
- "i like londoners fashion". Me too! We can be a stylish bunch, eh?
- "i'm not going south of the river london". Wise move, search fan; I try my very best not to either.
- "i live on a houseboat". Ooh, get you!
- "i work 17 hours a day for addison lee and get paid rubbish money". Oh, I am sorry to hear that.
- "i love going to the toilet in public" Er, thanks for sharing.
The 2012 London Olympics got people wondering many things. Like "can you pick up the olympic spirit just by travelling to stratford". Probably not now it's well over a year since the Olympics ended, no. But please don't let me stop you trying. And "can you take a cool bag into the olympic park". Sure, there's no style moratorium just because it's a sports venue. And of course,"did paul mccartney fluff the opening of hey jude at the olympic ceremony". General consensus is that he did in fact balls that one up, yes. But he's hardly a spring chicken these days so cut the guy some slack, eh?
Other searchers make some pretty bold statements:
- "londoners hate tourists". Well, not all of them maybe, but somedays when tourists are walking in the middle of the pavement, five abreast, really slowly during rush hour, and doing batshit crazy things like trying to feed squirrels in the park and posing for photos in the pee-smelling, hooker business card-covered phoneboxes, then yes, yes they really do.
- "be kind to policemen. you never know". Nor you do. Wise words there.
- Also, "oxford is not in london". Word.
- "copenhagen is an awful place". Well, that's a bit strong. Their public transport system is pretty nifty, even if everything does shut tight as a drum before half 9 at night.
Whilst others keep things general:
- "dodgy pub on holloway road". You're going to have to be more specific here, searching friend. We are bountifully blessed in that particular area in N7. (See also "two gormless ugly men" and "two girls in fancy dress party drunk".)
- "furore about addison lee". I just love that someone used the word 'furore' as a search term. Fancy!
- "cycling down kensington high street dangerous". Yes it is. I know that now.
And then come the eternal London-y musings:
- "where is my addison lee cab?". Ah, I've been there, pal. Usually at 2am on a cold, dark corner when I'd been surprisingly foresighted enough to think ahead and pre-book a cab. Sucks when that cunning plan fails and bites you in the arse, doesn't it?
- "why are londoners so cold". Inadequate supplies of thermal underwear? Poorly insulated buildings? I jest: it's because we're all dead on the inside.
- "why are west londoners so smug" Hard to say. Maybe they can't see how ridiculous they look in their deck shoes and chinos in the depths of winter.
- "are londoners like made in chelsea" Not all of us thankfully, no. "how did they find the people on made in chelsea" I imagine they just turned the lights on at 3am in Mahiki and grabbed the only beautiful people who were still upright.
- "holloway road "which is the dodgy end"" Erm...
- "if borris loses election what happens to boris bikes?" Good question. I imagine we'll still keep them. No point throwing the baby out with the foppish-haired bathwater.
- "where to find pigeons london" Just look up. You can't miss 'em.
- "what are okapis daily routine" After a light breakfast and quick 40 minutes lifting weights at the gym, Mr Okapi likes to walk to work, strolling through Regents Park for a little fresh air. Once at the office he fields calls and sifts through his inbox until lunchtime when he heads out for a business lunch with Ms Giraffe, to discuss their latest acquistion in Singapore. He spends his afternoon with one eye on the Nasdaq and another on his fantasy football league tables. The evening is spent boozing in Soho before staggering home to his warm, straw-filled crate for a bucket of hay before bed.
- "who is the accidental londoner" Why, it's me! Hello!
To everyone who arrives at my site desperately searching for the definitive verdict on which city is better, London or New York City, I'm sorry. I once thought I knew the answer to that. But now I'm not so sure. You can read this and this and then judge for yourself if you like.
And finally, whoever searched for this: "accidental celebrity photos that indulgence in personal area". Yep, this is really not the site you are looking for. Move along, please.